


A Funny Thing (or two) Happened on Friday the Thirteenth

by bluecinderella4



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:21:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28872243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluecinderella4/pseuds/bluecinderella4
Summary: Crowley is bored. So very, very bored. However, a series of subsequent events—which the (former) demon may or may not be responsible for—will make for one interesting Friday the Thirteenth.AKA: I've taken some sitcom clichés and set them to "Good Omens".
Relationships: Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley & Anathema Device, Sergeant Shadwell/Madame Tracy (Good Omens)
Kudos: 17





	1. This is Your Doing, Crowley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For my 28th birthday, my boyfriend took me to Barnes & Noble and I saw a copy of "Good Omens" thinking “I’ve heard nothing but good things and I’ve been putting it off” and made him buy it for me. Honestly, I don’t think a book ever made me laugh so hard that I immediately wanted more. So then I saw the 2019 series and am now a big fan. In all honesty, when I become this into a series, doing a fic for the fandom seemed kind of…ineffable
> 
> Currently, I am also watching “groundbreaking” TV sitcoms of the 1970s. Because sitcoms have tropes and clichés, I like to check them all out if I can. I often watch pilot episodes, birthday episodes, wedding episodes, fantasy/fairy tale/anthology episodes, birth episodes, death episodes, and the “very special” episodes that usually tackle major issues (drugs, abortion, drunk driving, sexism, assault, AIDS, etc) to see how they handled them. More often than not, watching a lot of these give me ideas to set a sitcom episode to a completely different series/medium.
> 
> And here we are now—though if you do know my work, I’m sure you expected this.
> 
> The main episode I took some basis from is the two-part episode from season 6 of "The Jeffersons" where George and Louise’s grandchild is born. I really just borrowed the major plot point and tweaked pretty much everything else to fit "Good Omens" canon. I did want to feature my two favorite pairings—the ineffable husbands and the witch and her witchfinder—but I also wanted to explore a potential friendship between Crowley and Anathema because I felt they could have clicked if they had more time together.
> 
> I also had an idea and it wouldn’t leave me alone until I wrote it.

With a melodramatic moan, Crowley shuffled into the living area of the Tadfield cottage he and Aziraphale had taken temporary residence in. “I’m bored!” He dramatically proclaimed to the other occupant as he plopped onto the sofa. “I’m so very, very BORED!” Still, this wasn’t enough to divert Aziraphale’s attention from his book. “ANGEL!” With a relenting sigh, Aziraphale marked his place and turned to Crowley. “I’m bored.”

“I hadn’t noticed,” Aziraphale’s sarcasm had been improving since the Armageddon-That-Wasn’t. “I suppose it’s my job to rectify your situation?”

Crowley pouted at him. “Would you?”

“Every time I invest myself in a good book,” Aziraphale muttered as he put his book away. “Crowley, whenever I seem to suggest something that I find enjoyable—with some rare exceptions—you immediately refuse.”

“Ah yes, because one’s adrenaline always gets a-pumpin’ when reading and sewing.”

“ _Knitting_.” The demon groaned as he dismissively waved his hand at that. “Correct me if I’m wrong: but wasn’t it _your_ idea to ‘lay low’ and blend in with the humans.” Crowley made some sort of noise as he shrugged. “Now, I feel that I have been making an effort. I haven’t performed any miracles in a long while. I’ve been a tad more social and active with the community. I’ve taken up human hobbies and interests.”

“The boring ones.”

“Agree to disagree. Honestly Crowley, not all human things are boring.”

“Then maybe it’s human places.”

“Like this one, I assume?”

“This place is so…so… _dull_.”

“Our visit is only temporary. We’ve rented the cottage to be near Anathema and---”

“---and that’s another thing: Book Girl said that her spawn was due in two weeks! Why aren’t we here two weeks from now?”

“We must use this time to help Anathema and Newton prepare.”

“You rented this place for _three months_!”

“They’re going to need help _after_ the baby’s born, aren’t they?”

“Ngk!”

“You did agree to this.”

“Did not.”

“You did so.”

“Pro’bly to get you to stop talking.”

“Crowley, please, this means a great deal to me.” Aziraphale couldn’t help but smile. “Just think: you and I are going to be godfathers.”

“Tried that once, remember.”

“ _Official_ godfathers. This time it’ll be the offspring of dear friends, and we can watch the little one grow up even beyond their eleventh year.”

“Right, still bored, gonna put on the telly,” he glanced at a succession of remotes on the coffee table in front of them. “Angel, which one…” Aziraphale turned the TV on. “…thank you.”

“I thank you for exercising restraint with your demonic powers while in my presence.” The smile Crowley flashed was rather smug. “Oh, but don’t think I don’t know that you’re the one pulling all those little pranks in the village.”

“Sometimes it can’t be helped. After all: I’m only demon.”

“ _Former_ demon.”

Crowley dismissively waved his hand again, “Semantics.”

“You’re incorrigible.”

This made the former demon smirk. “But you love me.”

Aziraphale chuckled in affirmation and gave Crowley a quick kiss before patting his knee and rising to the kitchen. “If you are looking for something to do later in the day, I’ve given Adam and his friends permission to have their study group meeting here. Perhaps you’d like to help them.”

“Perhaps not.”

“You give yourself the benefit of a doubt, Crowley Dear. You are wonderful with kids.”

“ _Kids_ , yes, I’m fantastic with kids.”

Aziraphale blinked in confusion. “I’m certain I’ve missed something.”

“You’ve got your basic levels of children. Babies, toddlers, kids, teenagers, and then it doesn’t matter once they’re legally old enough to vote, or drink, or not have their parents under suspicion for neglect. When they’re at the ‘kid’ level, then they’re great, I can deal.”

“I believe Adam and his friends are…oh, what are the young people calling it these days?” Aziraphale briefly contemplated this. “Ah, yes, a _tween_.”

“Please don’t ever say that word again.”

“Then you’d consider the Them at the ‘teenager’ level?”

“Slightly bigger kids with uncontrollable hormones who think they know everything? Yep: that is a teenager.”

“I suppose. He will be thir _teen_ this August.”

“Like I said: ‘kids’ I can deal with, it’s the level I’m best at.”

“What about when they’re babies?”

“Oh, that’s the worst.”

“Well, I just adore babies,” Aziraphale’s statement elicited a melodramatic moan from Crowley. “They’re little miracles.”

“Yeah, yeah, miracles, sure, can I watch telly now?”

“I’m sure there are some babies you can make an exception for. Didn’t you for Warlock? You were a wonderful nanny to Warlock”

“Damn right I was. Though I didn’t actually become an in-person nanny until he was almost five. We did our intervention from the sidelines until then.” Aziraphale made some sort of sound to acknowledge Crowley was right. “I get that you’re excited for Book Girl and Disaster Boy’s spawn, and I fully support you if it makes you happy. I’d just rather not be involved, thank you very much.”

Aziraphale shrugged and poured himself some tea. Mid pour, he stopped as if he remembered something. “Oh my heavens, it’s Friday.”

“’S also the thirteenth.”

Crowley’s addition went unheard. “I can’t believe it slipped my mind. I made prior arrangements with Madame Tracy.” Crowley twirled his finger sarcastically. “Someone is going to have to stay and supervise Adam and his friends while---”

“Not it!”

“Oh, bother!” Aziraphale bit on his index fingernail in thought. “Well…well there is a more than likely chance that Mr. Shadwell will accompany her when she arrives. Not that he’s exactly the greatest influence around children.”

“Nobody’s perfect, Angel.”

“Perhaps if Anathema or Newton aren’t too busy they might---” Aziraphale was cut off by a frantic knock on the opposite side of the sliding glass door. “Newton?”

“Speak of a devil.”

Aziraphale opened the door to let in the younger man. “Newton, Dear Boy, whatever’s the matter?”

“I’ve…” Newt stopped to catch his breath, “…I’ve lost Anathema.”

“What? How does one lose a woman?”

“By forgetting to cherish her,” Crowley jested back in response.

A flustered Newt was clearly on the verge of a panic attack, but was trying hard to maintain some composure. “We’re walking in Hogback Wood, next thing I know, she’s not behind me. Run back to our cottage, not there; so I came here.”

“Did you think to actually look in the woods?”

“And search a wooded area alone?” Aziraphale questioned back to Crowley. “Pay no mind to Crowley, Newton, you were right to come here first. It’s best that we form a search party and---”

“Search party? How far could she have gotten with her swollen ankles and a tiny human resting near her bladder sending her to the loo every five minutes? Book Girl prob’ly made it back to Jasmine Cottage as you came here to ask for help.”

“Alright Crowley, I understand: if you don’t want to help, then don’t help.”

“Could you call me if she does come here?” Newt’s request garnered a “thumbs up” from Crowley. “Right!” Newt took this time to begin to ramble his perspective to Aziraphale as they left.

Crowley watched the two of them leave. “Right,” he slowly rose from his spot on the sofa and made his way to the front door. Once he opened it, he called out, “Okay Book Girl, coast is clear.”

A very pregnant Anathema tentatively exited the garden and made her way over to Crowley. “You sure they’re gone?” He gestured for her to go inside. “Thank you.”

“You and Disaster Boy have another fight over the whole ‘antenatal/Lamaze’ thing again?”

“Not yet, no.” Crowley helped her to sit down. “Thanks.” She adjusted her sitting before continuing. “I just knew if I ask you to help me do this, I could get some time away from Newt. Some time where he's not at my side twenty-four seven, or calling me every free moment I'm not in his sight.”

“Disaster Boy means well, you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” she absentmindedly smoothed her distended stomach. “I love my boyfriend, really, but he worries too much. Sure, the being at my beck and call and doing what I want is a perk; but one can only take so much of him constantly asking if he’s doing it right or if I’m okay.”

“How’d you escape?”

“I suggested a walk would do some good and of course he wouldn’t let me go alone. I knew if I sweet talked him, I could convince him Hogback Wood was a good walking option.”

“Plenty of room to sneak away, yeah.”

“The next step is to start talking about something that he’s into; something he knows a lot about. When he does this, he gets so caught up in what he’s saying that you could practically do anything.”

“Not something he’s anti? Like talk about something you know he’s against and---”

“---when he tries to make a point, he’ll often look at the person who disagreed with him. Newt’s movements and gestures can be a little dramatic and if he’s not careful, he can hurt someone—most likely himself. I may want him to go away for a while, but I’d still like him to come back in one piece.”

“Fair.”

“Plus I know the woods better than he does. I can easily find my way here from Hogback Wood. Newt knows the way when he leaves Jasmine Cottage, so he’d obviously go there first. The only concern was what door Aziraphale would come out of.”

“Gimme some credit on that ‘search party’ idea, by the way. My Angel is a sucker for helping people.”

“Doesn’t it seem common sense to _not_ go into a wooded area alone?”

Crowley brushed her off. “Oh, shut down mobile service by the way. Not that it was easy; Aziraphale’s been trying to get me to cut down on using my demonic powers. Tried to make it look like a human related disaster. Phones’re gonna be down a while though.”

“How long is a while?”

“Twelve hours at the least.”

“At the _least_?”

“It’s the best way to make it look like I had nothing to do with it. Shutting down mobile service is a favorite pastime of mine, but I have to make Aziraphale think I had nothing to do with it. Once I got your text, I took care of it.”

“I’ll probably get fifty calls and texts from Newt when this comes back up.”

“Naturally.” After a bout of silence, he turned to see her sort of staring off into space. “Book Girl?” The snapping of his fingers gave her a start. “Zoned out there for a sec.”

“Yeah,” she sat up a little straighter. “Guess I let my mind wander.”

“Bit tense there. Sure you weren’t having any of them…apostrophes or what have you?”

“ _Contractions_ , and no. The baby just shifted a little; it’s been moving around a lot lately. It just feels uncomfortable.”

“I’ll bet.”

“Damn,” Anathema was getting teary-eyed.

“What?”

“Gotta pee again.”

“And that makes you sad?”

“No, it’s my stupid hormones. I guess I’m upset because I finally get comfortable and I have to get up again.” Anathema struggled to get up before Crowley helped her to her feet. “Thanks.”

Crowley reluctantly began to follow her. “You need me to---”

“I think I can do this myself,” she waddled into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

“Don’t see how she can do anything with that thing inside her,” Crowley muttered to himself as he went back into the living area.

“Anthony J. Crowley!” turns out, someone was waiting for him. “I can’t prove it, but I know this is your doing.”

“Hello, Aziraphale. I see we miracled ourselves back.”

“That wouldn’t have been necessary had I been able to use the mobile to call you.”

“So why didn’t you?”

“Because there doesn’t seem to be any cellular service.”

“’S that a fact?”

“This is your doing, Crowley.”

“Oh, so just because one demon continuously shuts down mobile services for nearly twenty years, he gets the blame every time someone can’t use their mobile?” He pulled out his own mobile for a sort of demonstration. “For your information, Angel: I was not aware that the mobiles weren’t working.”

“I want to believe you, but I can sense your lying. Just as I sense Anathema is here.”

“Strange how you didn’t miracle her location when you first heard she went missing.”

“A crisis is not the perfect time for rational thought. Besides, I’ve been performing less and less miracles.” Crowley nodded in acknowledgment at that. “I am however going to miracle back to Newton and---”

“---and I’ll transport her somewhere else if you do.”

“You…” Aziraphale was caught off guard by that. “…you…you will do nothing of the sort! Newton is worried sick about Anathema and---”

“---and Anathema is sick of Newton worrying.” Once again, the angel didn’t know what to say. Crowley sighed before continuing on. “All she wants is some time away from him. She can’t get a moment alone anymore. Not that it’s easy to be alone when she’s carrying another human inside of her.”

“If that’s so, then why didn’t she just ask him for some time alone?”

“Because…” Crowley considered this, “…hey yeah, why didn’t she do that? Oy, Book Girl,” he turned his head toward the bathroom, “why didn’t you do that?”

“Is she using the lavatory as we speak?” The flushing noise (and Crowley pointing toward the source of the sound) confirmed it. “That’s just not polite.”

“Excuse her for having to piss.”

“I meant you!”

“Well that's stating the obvious, Angel.”

“Anathema!” No sooner had Anathema come into view did Aziraphale hurry toward her. “Anathema, Dear, Newton has been worried sick. Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” there was ire in Anathema’s tone. “Newt’s not here, is he?”

“No.”

“Can we keep it that way?”

“Book Girl,” Crowley came closer to her, “if you wanted to be alone: why didn’t you just ask Disaster Boy if you could be alone? The thought occur to you to do that?”

“It occurred to me, yes.”

“Well then why didn’t you just ask Newton?” Aziraphale inquired. “I’m sure he would have given you the space you needed.”

“Yeah, but for how long? I know him. He’d just be somewhere nearby trying to occupy his time, but failing because all the worst-case scenarios are playing in his head. I’ve rehearsed how to ask him, but every time it doesn’t exactly sound…nice.”

“Right,” Crowley seemed to agree with her, “there isn’t really a nice way to tell someone to fuck off and leave you alone.”

“Language, please,” Aziraphale chided.

“I asked Crowley to help me,” Anathema continued. “I’d get away, come here, we figured you’d be back later than this, and Crowley could say I was here but sleeping and to not bother me. Newt’s kinda afraid of Crowley—what with him being a demon and all—and would probably listen to him and stay away. All I’m asking is a few hours of time to myself.”

“I suppose we could let you stay here for a couple of hours.”

“Maybe even twelve,” Crowley muttered.

“Twelve?! Good Heavens, that simply is too much!” Aziraphale quickly turned to Anathema. “Not that we don’t enjoy your company, Anathema, but that is a bit lengthy. Crowley, why ever would you suggest twelve hours?”

“Because that’s how long I rigged it before mobile service comes back.”

“A-HA! I knew you had something to do with the mobiles not working!”

“Mr. Crowley!” they could hear Newt call out for Crowley before he even entered the cottage. “Don’t be mad, but now I’ve lost—Aziraphale?” it had dawned on Newt. “Anathema,” he rushed to his girlfriend. “Anathema, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she was trying not to sound impatient with him.

“I tried to phone, but there’s something wrong with the service,” the couple didn’t notice the quick glare Aziraphale gave Crowley. “I thought something dreadful happened.”

“That’s because you always think the worst is going to happen!” Her snapping made Newt back away toward the ethereally occult beings. “My God, Newt, I just wanted a few hours away from you and your incessant worrying! Your constant state of anxiety isn’t exactly healthy for my stress level, you know. Give us both a little time to just relax and do something mindless without me having to assure you every two seconds that nothing’s wrong. Cut me a little slack: even if you weren’t constantly up my ass, you’d be the first to know if something was wrong! Shit,” here came the waterworks, “it’s the stupid hormones.” She growled in frustration. “I knew something like this would happen. I’m like a frickin’ time bomb!” Newt was about to step closer, but she backed away. “No! Just…I need some air or something,” moving as fast as she could with the swollen stomach impeding her, she hurried out the front door and into the garden.

Newt (and the other men) didn’t exactly know how to respond to this. “I…” the younger man was stumbling on his words, “…I’ve gone and messed things up again.”

“Newton,” Aziraphale put a comforting hand on his shoulder, “I’m sure she didn’t mean it. Her hormones had gotten the best of her and---”

“She’s right, you know.”

“ _I_ know,” Crowley had mumbled.

“I’m just expecting the worst to happen like I always do and I’ve unleashed my anxieties on my pregnant girlfriend,” Newt admitted. “Ever since Anathema told me about the baby, I have been _terrified_. I think things in life are getting along fine and that I can finally start to figure out what I’m going to do with my life when I learn I’m going to be a father. Now I’m going to be responsible for someone else’s life and I want so bad not to screw everything up. I think I may have gone a little overboard with all the reading and the lessons learned in the antenatal classes. I even got us kicked out once for asking too many questions.”

“I can see that happening,” Crowley’s remark resulted in Aziraphale shushing him.

“I knew I was going to screw everything up again. Hell, I even managed to before my child’s even born. That’s got to be a record.”

“Honestly, Newton,” Aziraphale started, “you need to be more optimistic. I sincerely doubt you’ve ‘screwed up’ as you keep insisting. I see this situation as you caring too much. You love Anathema, and you want to make certain that she is alright and is being taken care of; especially now that she’s carrying your child. A child that you want to do right by and that you’ve acknowledged as your own before its even come into the world. Sure, you may make mistakes along the way, but whomever doesn’t when raising a child—particularly a firstborn child. Still, I never once doubted that you wouldn't be there for your own child.”

“Yeah, but then the time comes for it to be born and I’m gonna pass out when it happens.”

“Come now, you don’t know that.” Newt raised a skeptical eyebrow. “You may surprise yourself, Dear Boy.”

“Yeah, no, he’s going to pass out,” Crowley didn’t exactly agree with Aziraphale. “What with all the pain, and the blood, and the… _imagery_.” This was enough to make Crowley shudder.

“Mr. Crowley has a point,” Newt surprisingly agreed with the demon. “I couldn’t sit through those videos in the antenatal classes. Honestly, even the images in the books were too much.”

“Nevertheless,” Aziraphale patted Newton on the back, “I have faith in you.”

“Thank you, Aziraphale. Really, this has been of some help.”

“I suppose we should all take this opportunity to relax. Why don’t you head back to Jasmine Cottage and occupy your time with a good book or film?”

“I can’t stay here?”

“Were you not paying attention to that outburst?” Crowley questioned.

“What Crowley means,” Aziraphale began to explain, “is that you and Anathema could both do with a few hours of rest. Take the time to do what you like and not think of anything. Anathema will stay here with us for a bit, and you will do whatever it is you’d like to do.”

Newt then had to spoil the moment by asking, “What if she doesn’t want to come back?”

“Newton, really, try to get your mind off of this. Anathema loves you; she just needs some time to herself. Crowley and I will give her her space and if anything happens, we will come and get you.”

“Because the mobile service is down and we can’t call you on your phone,” Crowley was compelled to add.

Aziraphale’s eye began to twitch as tried not to show his aggravation. He took a deep breath and led Newton out the back way. “I assure you, Newton: everything will be tickety-boo.”

“Um…okay,” Newton didn’t seem all that convinced by Aziraphale’s choice of phrase. “Oh! We have our last antenatal class this afternoon. If she still doesn’t want to see me, would you take her?”

“While I would be delighted to do so, I have made plans with Madame Tracy. However, you are welcome to join her and I on our excursion. We’re just scouring the village’s rummage sales.”

“I’ll consider your offer, thank you. But do you think Mr. Crowley could---”

“You’ll pardon me saying Newton, but Hell would freeze over before Crowley ever attended a birthing class.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this would be a good place to end. Basically make this the expository chapter and set things up that should come into play later.


	2. You'd Figure Correctly

Aziraphale was humming to himself while preparing an assortment of sweets in the kitchen. “And…that should be enough.”

This was going to be the perfect opportunity for Crowley to help himself to a cupcake or brownie or muffin or cookie or two as Aziraphale had his back to the table. Crowley slithered into the kitchen—something he had also perfected in human form—slunk over to the counter, reached for an apple fritter, and was promptly slapped in the hand. “AH!” The former snake hissed at being struck.

“Don’t think I didn’t know what you were up to.”

Crowley rubbed his newly sore hand. “Dammit, Angel!”

“Those are not for you, and you know it. You may help yourself after Adam and his friends have.”

“What harm can come from eating just one?” Aziraphale quirked a brow as if to question ‘did you really just me ask that’. “You tempt someone eating an apple _one time_ …”

“Yoo-hoo!” this was how Madame Tracy announced her presence before even knocking.

“You may come in Tracy,” Aziraphale allowed as he snapped his fingers.

“Good afternoon Aziraphale. Crowley.” Crowley waved with the hand that wasn’t struck. “I would have phoned to let you know I was on my way, but something seems to be wrong with my mobile. I figured something was amiss when even Mr. Shadwell’s mobile wouldn’t work—you know how old that thing is.” As if on cue, Mr. Shadwell (formerly Sergeant Shadwell of the Witchfinder Army) came into the cottage carrying a communication device that seemed a bit too large for cellular use.

“Apparently older than we thought,” Crowley commentated.

“Afternoon lads,” Shadwell greeted as he displayed his item. “I see ye’ve noticed me portable transceiver. Got it fer a bargain, I did.”

“His what?”

“I believe it is also known as a ‘ _walkie-talkie_ ’,” Aziraphale explained. “I say, this would be rather convenient for communication. Mr. Shadwell, did you bring the other one?”

“Other one?”

“Yes, you buy those in pairs. They are two-way radio transceivers in which you can receive and reply to messages. Otherwise---”

“I’m not daft ye Southern Pansy,” believe it or not, this was Shadwell being _polite_ to Aziraphale. “I dinna have an _other_ one.”

“Mr. Shadwell purchased this at the rummage sale we went to on our way over,” Tracy explained. “It was only sold singularly.”

“Aye, so?”

“So it won’t be of much use, Mr. S.”

“It may seem that way to you, Jezebel,” did Madame Tracy became aroused by that? “but I bought it fer it’s parts. I can take ‘er apart and use wha she’s got fer fixin’.”

“Fixin’?” Crowley made sure he heard correctly.

“Aye, fixin’!” He began looking the item. “I’ll not have me money go to waste and make use for this one way or another.”

“Rather than purchase new furniture or household appliances, Mr. Shadwell has been repairing ones we purchase at discount prices,” Tracy clarified.

“Pro’bly explains all the rummage sales you’re goin’ to,” Crowley noted.

“With our wedding and us moving to Tadfield, money is a bit tight. However, the community has been participating in a week-long rummage sale and it seemed only fair to take advantage of it.”

“It really is a rather fun shopping excursion,” Aziraphale praised. “Perhaps you would like to join us, Crowley Dear?”

“Perhaps not,” Crowley declined.

“Oh Tracy, I hope you don’t mind me inviting others on our little adventure.” Crowley rolled his eyes at Aziraphale's use of the word 'adventure'. “I took the liberty of inviting Newton to join us.”

Tracy didn’t mind at all. “The more the merrier. Although after our last recent sale, Mr. Shadwell will _not_ be joining us this afternoon.”

“Actually, we were hoping to ask Mr. Shadwell for a favor. We invited Adam and his friends over so that they may study and---”

“ _We_?” Crowley interrupted.

Aziraphale sighed. “ _I_ invited them over.”

Tracy giggled. “I swear you two are more married than me and Mr. S.”

The angel cleared his throat and continued on. “Yes, well, Crowley doesn’t exactly feel comfortable watching the children by himself and was hoping Mr. Shadwell would stay and help look after them.”

“He’d be delighted to!”

This drew Shadwell’s attention away from the transceiver. “I’d wot now?” His wife gave him a look. “Ach, fine! I’ll help watch the wee ones.”

“There’s a good lad,” Tracy rewarded her husband with a kiss.

“Mark my words, Woman: them wicked wiles o’ yers won’ last fureva and I won’ a-be victim to yer ways of harlotry.”

Tracy simply smiled at him…and then waited until he wasn’t looking to give his bottom a pinch. “We must save that kind of talk for the bedroom, Mr. S.”

While this was a tad uncomfortable for the angel to demon to watch, only the latter was able to verbally express a disgusted “Ngk.”

“Yes, well,” this was Aziraphale’s way to start a new focus, “I suppose I’m ready to go whenever you are, Tracy Dear. Make our first stop at Jasmine Cottage to see if Newton would like to join us; perhaps ask him for use of his vehicle.” Aziraphale turned to Crowley. “I figured it would be a moot point to ask if we may use the Bentley.”

“You’d figure correctly.”

“It goes too fast for me anyway.” Aziraphale crossed over to the lady and extended his arm. “Shall we?”

“Ooh,” Tracy looped her arm around his, “such a proper gentleman.”

“Such a proper pansy,” Shadwell’s muttering resulted in a reprimanding tap upside the head by his wife. “Ach! Be off wi’ ye, Woman!”

“We’ll try to return before it gets dark,” Aziraphale informed the significant others. “Ta-ta for now.”

“Bye Angel,” Crowley waited until they were out of sight before hurrying back to the counter where the sweets were waiting. With a slightly sinister chuckle, he reached for a pastry. “Come to---AH!” he had to quickly pull his hand away upon touching the pastry. “What the…” he reached for another dessert, but it had the same effect. “Oh, for Satan’s sake!” It was then that Crowley noticed a note next to the goodies. “ _Crowley: did you really think it would be so easy? Love, Aziraphale_.” Crowley couldn’t help but grin with pride. “That beautiful bastard.”

“Everything okay?” hearing the feminine voice made Crowley jump in surprise.

“Oh, Book Girl, it’s you. Kinda forgot you were here; you’ve been so quiet.”

“Well, you haven't been so quiet. I heard you scream like you got burned or something.”

“Yeah, something.”

Anathema noticed the junk food on the counter. “Ooh, those doughnuts look good,” she went to reach for one.

“Anathema, wait, don’t---” she was able to help herself to a doughnut much to his shock.

“Don’t what?”

“Why didn’t you…” Crowley felt the need to go over the note that had seemed to appear out of nowhere. “ _I will make an exception for Anathema because she is eating for two._ ” The noise the demon made was a mix between a growl and a hiss.

Anathema looked over his shoulder at the note. “ _Make an exception for Anathema_?”

“Aziraphale’s done something so I can’t get any desserts. At least not until after Adam and his friends do.” Anathema shrugged and reached for another sweet. “Way to rub it in, Book Girl.”

“I’m eating for two now.”

“I’m eating for two now,” the demon mocked.

She smugly bit on her cookie as she headed back up the stairs. “Afternoon, Mr. Shadwell.”

“Witch,” the former Witchfinder Sergeant acknowledged her as he began to tinker with his gadget. “Mista Crowley: will ye be joinin’ me in watchin’ over the wee ones?”

Crowley tried to figure what Shadwell was saying. “Will I…oh, will I help you watch the children?”

“Aye; wot’d ye think I was sayin’?”

“Your Scottish Brogue is a lot thicker than my demon tongue.” Crowley sat on the sofa. “I s’pose I will, by the way; though I don’t want to spend my day watching over teenagers.”

“Nor I. Not really sure wha ta do wi’ ‘em.”

“Exactly!”

“Ya think they’re old enough to learn how to pop a shoulder back in place?”

Crowley shot him a suspicious look. “Why?”

“Eh..." Shadwell's eyes darted back and forth, "...no reason.”

"Right, moving on. Having not properly grown up as a human, I'm not really sure what to do with teenagers. No idea what they're into nowadays," he turned to the Scotsman. "What did you do as a teenager, Shadwell?”

Shadwell pondered that. “I dinna remember. I’m sure I went about lookin’ fer witches.”

“I bet that made you popular.”

“If I wasn’t doin’ that I was gettin’ laid, poppin’ pills, and playin’ in me band.”

“A band?"

"Aye."

"Like a rock 'n roll band?"

"Aye."

"What: did you play the bagpipes?”

“Rhythm guitar. Was also the lead singer.”

Crowley was genuinely surprised. “No shit?”

“Dinna last long though—prob’ly ‘cause o’ the drugs.”

“Prob’ly, yeah.” Someone knocked on the screen door before entering. “It’s open!”

The source stepped in with his dog close behind. “Hello, Mr. Crowley.”

“Hello, Adam.” Dog barked. “Hello, Dog.”

“I hope you don’t mind that I’m a half hour early.”

“Nah! Help yourself to some sweets.”

“Maybe later. I just came by to set up and make sure we had we needed. Oh, and I ran into Newt on my way over. He asked me to give a message to Anathema. Is she here?”

“Book Girl? Yeah, she’s in the guest room. OY, BOOK GIRL!”

“You really didn’t have to yell. I could have just gone up and told her.”

“She needs the exercise if she’s gonna keep eating for two. BOOK GIRL!”

“I hear you,” Anathema told him as she came down the stairs. “Hi Adam.”

“Hi Anathema,” Adam greeted.

“What brings you here?”

“Pepper, Wensley, Brian, and me,” Dog barked, “and Dog are getting together to study for mid-term exams. We weren’t sure who’s house to go to and asked Mr. Aziraphale if we could use his.”

“You could have come to my cottage.”

“Dog doesn’t like to go in for some reason. Not sure why. He only does because I tell him to. There's also more room for us here and a lot less nice things that could accidentally get broken. Anyway: I also had a message for you from Newt.” This made Anathema roll his eyes. “He says he’s going with Mr. Aziraphale and Madame Tracy if you need him.”

“I won’t.”

“And that your last antenatal class is in a half hour.”

“Lamaze class.”

“He also told me you’d say that and now that you live in the U.K. it’s ‘antenatal’.”

“Wait, a half hour!” She reached for her phone to confirm the time. “Right, the phones don’t work.”

Crowley raised his hand and pointed to himself. “You’re welcome.”

Not having her glasses on her, Anathema pulled up Adam’s arm to look at his watch. “Damn!”

“You don’t have to go, you know.”

“Newt did say he’d rather you didn’t go alone,” Adam added.

Anathema huffed at this. “Oh, did he? Just for that, I think I will go to class on my own.”

“I don’t think you should go alone either.” Anathema quirked her brow at the former Antichrist. “You can’t always be sure nothing will go wrong. If something happens, the mobiles don’t work.”

“But the landlines do.”

“Does your class have a landline?”

“I’m sure it does.”

“Do you know what number to call without your mobile?”

“Okay, fair. I won’t go alone,” Anathema conceded. “But who am I going to get to go with me?” Both she and Adam (and even Dog) turned to Crowley.

Crowley looked behind him before realizing they meant him. “What, me?” He rose up like a hot potato. “Oh no! No! No! No! No! And no!

“Why not?”

“I don’t _do_ antenatal classes.”

“Lamaze.”

“Whatever! The point is I’m not going. It mostly has to do with the fact that I am rubbish with babies and anything having to do with them.”

“But it’s _antenatal_ ,” Adam put an emphasis on that term, “that means the babies aren’t even born.” He looked somewhat pleased with himself. “We’re learning that in our health class.”

“Besides, you’re the only one who can get me to class on time because you have a car,” Anathema pointed out.

“You don’t have to stay here with us, Mr. Crowley.”

It was as if the little light switch in Crowley’s head flicked ‘on’. “Hey, yeah. If I take Book Girl to this, then I don’t have to be here to babysit you and your friends. Shadwell will be here to look after the Them, which will make Aziraphale happy. And I s’pose Disaster Boy will feel better knowing we didn’t leave you completely alone.” He considered something else. “Plus, 's not like the babies are actually born yet, so I won’t have to interact with any.”

Anathema looked pleased. “Sounds like you talked yourself into it.”

“Alright Book Girl: I’ll take you to your birthing class.” No sooner did he say that did the former demon shiver.

“You okay?”

“Oh sure,” Crowley snapped his fingers to put on his leather jacket, “just got a bit of a chill there for a second.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last line in this chapter is a throwback to the last line in the first chapter (but with the different significant others). Oh yes, and I did throw another reference in there if you caught it.
> 
> Apologies if I mangled the Scottish (or even British) dialect by the way.


	3. Not Exactly My Cup of Tea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are uncomfortable with mentions of the female reproductive system…tough. In the last chapter, Adam implied they were learning this kind of stuff in their health class. I needed a bit of filler—and I wanted to make a lame joke—so just be glad you’re not actually seeing anything. That’s really the only warning I have except for some naughty words and references (no smut, that’s not my style).

“I must say,” Aziraphale began as he browsed the books at what had to have been the fifth or sixth of these rummage sales, “some of these books are in a rather remarkable condition.”

“Why haven’t you bought any then?” Tracy questioned.

“Honestly, they’re not normally the types of book that I would sell.”

"Are they a type you personally would read?"

"Ah, well...that's...while I have _read_ them, these kinds of books are not exactly my cup of tea."

“What kind are they?”

“Judging by the titles and the accompanying covers: they seem to be novels of a more… _romantic_ type.”

“Erotic fiction, then.” Tracy began to peruse the collection. “I wonder if any of them have that Fabio fellow on the cover. Ooh,” one book caught her eye, “I say.” She helped herself to that one before picking up another one. “Oh my, my.”

She briefly showed it to Aziraphale, who gasped. “How vulgar!”

“What’s vulgar about it? They’re still clothed.”

“Yes, but not _fully_ clothed. Not to mention the way they are positioned on that bed certainly does not leave things open to interpretation.”

“Think I read that one anyway,” she set the book back and looked around, “Perhaps they have some movies for sale.”

“I’ll join you by the films in a moment,” As Tracy walked away, Aziraphale slowly inched toward where Tracy laid the book. He quickly made sure no one was looking and tried to be discreet as he picked up the book for himself.

“Find anything, Aziraphale?” Newt’s sudden appearance behind him made the angel jump.

“Newton!” Aziraphale took a second to catch his breath. “Dear Boy, you gave me a start.”

“Sorry. I was just wondering if you were almost done here.”

“Ah,” Aziraphale cleared his throat. “Not at the moment, no. I believe there are still a few things we’d like to look over.” There was a brief beat. “Perhaps you would like to do the same.”

“What?”

“Look at things.”

“Oh. Not really, no.”

“You don’t have to look for yourself. Maybe you’ll find something for the Anathema or the baby.”

Newt nervously rubbed the back of his neck. “I’d really rather…not.” The angel blinked in confusion. “I don’t really know how safe any of these used baby things are and I really don’t want my child to have hand-me-downs. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!” He was quick to amend. “I grew up with things that once belonged to my late father or some of my cousins. I’m not saying this like a bad thing. I just want my baby to have nice things. Not that these things aren’t nice! It’s just---”

“They’re not _new._ ”

“Exactly! Everyone wants the best for their child and for once I can afford it. Well, technically _Anathema’s family_ can afford it. I do appreciate her mum sending the crib, and the stroller, and…well practically everything we'll be needing.”

“What have you gotten the baby?”

“Me? Personally?” Newt thought that through. “I…” he slumped in a nearby chair made for a child, “didn’t get it anything.”

Aziraphale noticed how dejected Newt was getting and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Well, there is some logic to that. Waiting to see whether not it’s going to be a boy or a girl before making any last-minute purchases.”

“Anathema’s gotten loads of gender-neutral toys and clothes and even tracked down new editions of books from our childhoods—I think we’ve gotten every _Berenstain Bears_ book, by the way.” He sighed. “What could I possibly get for my child?” He groaned in frustration. "I've gone and messed up again."

“Newton…” Aziraphale wasn’t sure what he could say to help, “…oh Newton, I wish you wouldn’t doubt yourself like this.”

“The mother of my child doesn’t even want me around!”

“Just for a few hours! That did not sound like a relationship ending outburst.”

“Not yet it didn’t.”

“Really Newton, why must you always look for the raincloud and never the rainbow? You are a wonderful boyfriend and you’ll be a wonderful father. There really any isn’t need to stress about getting your child material possessions—new or used—or even who will get said items. However, if you still feel the need to fret over this, just seek out a gift that comes from the heart.”

“Ahem,” a gentleman looked them over, “did you wanna buy that chair?”

“Oh!” Newton bolted out of the chair, subsequently knocking it over. “Sorry, just needed to sit down to contemplate how I’m going to be a terrible father.” Aziraphale slapped his palm to his face in both agitation and embarrassment.

“So you gonna buy the chair or not?”

“Um, no,” Newt set the chair upright. “No, no.” He quickly turned to Aziraphale. “Unless I should?” of course that came out as a question.

“No, we do not need the chair,” Aziraphale to the rescue. “Thank you, my good sir, but we are fine at the moment. I shall seek you out if there is any further assistance required. Come along, Newton, let us continue to browse.”

“I’m sorry, Aziraphale,” Newt dug for something in his pocket before passing the item to the former celestial entity. “I think me coming was a bad idea.”

“Are these the keys to Dick Turpin?”

“I think maybe I do some time to myself.”

“Oh? Are you sure that’s--”

“Just leave the car at your place.”

“At my place? You don’t want me to drop it off at Jasmine Cottage?” Newt started to walk away. “You will be back for it, won’t you?” The younger man continued to walk off. “Newton? _Newt_?”

Tracy made her way over to Aziraphale. “Where’s Newt goin’ off to?”

“I haven’t the foggiest idea. He just said he needed time to himself and walked away.”

“He didn’t take his car?”

“That's something that worried me, Tracy: he didn’t even call the car 'Dick Turpin'.”

“Ooh. Poor boy, it must be serious. Unless he’s using this as an excuse to try and sneak off to see Anathema again.”

“He would have likely taken Dick Turpin if he was so desperate to see her.”

“Should we go after him?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. Yes, I am worried, but a little time to himself may help him clear his head. I think this may be beneficial to him.”

“When do you suppose he’ll be back?”

“I can’t say. In all actuality, I don’t really know what to say.”

“Should we call it a day and go back to your cottage to wait for him?”

“Yes, I suppose we should. Go back and see how our husbands corrupted the children.”

“Husbands?”

Aziraphale stopped in his tracks. “Oh my Heavens, I did say ‘husband’ in regards to Crowley.”

“You and Crowley are married! That's marvelous, Dear. Oh, you must tell me everything!”

“It was merely a slip of the tongue. Crowley and I are not joined in holy matrimony.”

“Not yet, anyway.”

“We’ve only just established a romantic relationship; there’s no need for us to rush into things.”

“Yes, by all means, can’t get married unless you’ve been together for _7000_ years.” Tracy smiled a bit too smugly at him. “You want him to propose to you, don’t you?”

Aziraphale pretended to look through some various knick-knacks. “Well…it’d be nice. He is the one who initiated the relationship, it’s only fair that he initiates the engagement.”

“Do you know how Mr. Shadwell initiated our engagement?” Aziraphale shook his head. “He asked me how many nipples I had.”

“Good Lord.”

“No, but that was his own special way of doing it. He didn’t have to outright ask ‘will you marry me, Jezebel’.”

“The Jezebel part doesn’t really seem all that necessary.”

“But that’s Mr. Shadwell's way. When he asked me the nipple question, that’s how I knew he wanted to settle down and live the rest of his life with me. And as much as I love the man: I don’t expect it’ll be that much longer with all that sugar he ingests. It must be nice for you and Crowley to not worry about the ‘rest of your life’ part, what with you both being immortal.”

“Yes, I suppose.”

“Come on: let’s go and pay for our things.”

“I’m afraid I didn’t get anything.” Without saying a word, Tracy looked down at the book that had been hastily hidden in Aziraphale’s tartan jacket. “Oh,” he nervously chuckled as he took out the book and tossed it aside, “how’d that get in there?”

…

“In through the nose, out through the mouth,” the instructor for the birthing class did the demonstrating. “Now inhale,” everyone but Crowley did so, “and exhale,” and then they all (except Crowley) blew out their breaths in succession. “Inhale…exhale.”

Crowley was having none of this. “My God, this place sounds like one end of an obscene phone call.”

“You too, Mr. Crowley. In through the nose---”

“---out through the mouth, I got that part.” He shooed her away. “All this, Book Girl, this is a load of---”

“Okay,” the instructor clapped her hands together as if it was deliberate, “I did promise us one more film on the last day of class. So if you’ll all get yourselves comfortable, I’ll get it started.”

“Oh, a movie? Great!”

“Help me down,” Anathema told him.

“Yeah, sure,” he watched the other pregnant women and their partners as he guided her onto her blanket. “With all the heavy breathing and people getting onto the floor like this, one would think they’re back at Caligula’s.” He then couldn’t help but notice Anathema grimace and smooth her bump. “Kickin’ again?”

“Huh?”

“The last few times you put your hand to your stomach, you said the thing was kickin’ the crap out of you. It doin’ it again?”

“Yeah. Sometimes I think this baby’s going to be a soccer player. Oh, sorry, _football_.”

“Yeah, don’t care, say how you want to say it. Hey, you think we can get some popcorn?”

“Trust me, Crowley: you’re not gonna want any popcorn for this movie.”

“You know what we’re watchin’ then?”

“Sure, we watch one every other week. She just likes to mix it up to show what to expect.”

“What to expect?”

“When you’re expecting.”

“Meh, didn’t care for that movie. Whoever thought to give the guy from _Glee_ a career outside of Broadway deserves a special spot in Hell. I bet it was Hastur.”

“I bet you’ll wish you were watching that movie instead.”

“Can’t be worse than that woman who cackled every time her husband touched her during those ‘relaxation exercises’ at the start of the class.”

“That laugh does take some getting used to. Hey, did you know she and her husband have _five_ kids.”

“Five kids, really?” Anathema nodded. “I’m surprised she hasn’t died laughing.” The lights dimmed as the instructor started the show. “This one looks like an old one.”

“ _The miracle of birth_ ,” the narrator intoned as Crowley made himself comfortable. _“It all happens here in the delivery room. On hand to assist the mother with the delivery are the doctors, nurses, and her husband who acts as her coach_.”

“Right, yeah, got all that, full ensemble picture.”

“ _As you can see, the process of childbirth has now begun_.” Crowley’s face twisted in terror and he subconsciously crossed his legs together. “ _Notice how the mother is helping the baby along by ‘pushing’_.”

“What, lady, ew, why are you doin’ that?”

“ _Observe how the Lamaze method helps to reduce the pain_.”

“I told Newt it was Lamaze!” Anathema triumphantly whispered.

“Call it whatever you want, 's still ungodly disgusting,” Crowley was squirming in his seat. “Can’t the doctor just reach in there and yank the demon spawn out?”

“You’ve never seen a human birth, have you?”

“ _The mother is continuing to push to help the baby emerge into the outside world_ ,” the film’s narrator went in.

“This is what you humans find _miraculous_?” Crowley questioned. “How can you even wa—AAH, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?”

“ _See that the baby’s head is becoming visible_.”

“Book Girl, shield your eyes!” Crowley covered Anathema’s eyes, but Anathema pushed his hand away to keep watching.

“ _Now the camera moves in closer_.”

“Nope, can’t do it!” the demon quickly rose off the floor. He then made a retching sound as he caught one final look at the screen and ran outside.

…

“No, I think that’s the ovary right there,” Adam pointed to the photo on a blank worksheet.

“Aren’t there supposed to be two of them?” Wensley questioned.

The three boys all looked to Pepper. “Just because I’m a girl, you expect me to know all the parts of the female reproductive system?”

They all nodded back to her, responding with a chorus of “yeahs”.

“Ugh,” Pepper rolled her eyes. “That’s sexist of you all to assume so…but no, that’s the uterus you were pointing to.”

“Thanks, Pepper,” Adam thanked.

“I’ll not have you stupid boys ruin my good grades.”

“So these two are the ovaries?” Wensley asked for confirmation.

“And that must be the vagina,” Adam concluded.

“Then where’s the clitoris?” Brian inquired.

“Somewhere you boys will never find,” Pepper answered back as she labeled that specific part on her worksheet.

Shadwell let out a disgusted groan. “The things they be teachin’ the kids these days.” He shrugged. “Ah well: better they find out now than from their parents when they’re older.”

Adam finished labeling the diagram. “Okay, so that’s health class finished. What’s next?”

“Maybe we should read _Lord of the Flies_ now,” Pepper wondered.

“I’m not,” Brian decided. “I’m gonna wait til we watch the movie.”

“I think we should do that on our own time,” Wensley suggested. “I can’t really stay for much longer anyway. Ever since Mum and Dad heard about this illness, we haven’t really been going out much.”

“What illness?”

“It’s just some virus or something. I suspect it’ll be going away soon. Maybe we should all go over our maths assignment.”

“Probably for the best.”

“WOOF!” Dog called for attention.

“What is it, Dog?” Adam asked his canine companion. The pooch whined in response. “Again?” Another whine. “Probably all those dog treats you ate. We gotta pause guys: I have to take Dog.”

“I’ll take ‘im,” Shadwell volunteered.

“You will?”

“The lot of ya seem ta be doin’ fine on yer own and this’ll give me somethin’ ta do.”

Adam readied Dog for his walk and passed the older man the leash. “Thanks, Mr. Shadwell.”

“Think nothin’ of it, Lad. Now ya all get back ta learnin’ things that won’t help ya in the future. Come on, Mutt,” out they went.

“Things that won’t help us in the future?”

“I doubt that daft old fool knows what he’s talking about,” Pepper blew it off. “Now let’s see how bad you all did in algebra.”

…

“Feeling better, Mr. Crowley?” the instructor asked Crowley upon him returning to the nearly empty classroom.

“Just peachy,” he couldn’t look this woman in the eye. “Where’d Book Girl go?”

“Anathema? She just went to the loo. I’m not sure how long she’ll be, but you’re welcome to help yourself to some reading material until she’s done.”

“Whatcha got?”

She looked through a brief selection on her desk. “I have _The Picture Book of Childbirth_.”

“I, uh…I think I’m good.”

“If you insist. Have a lovely day, Mr. Crowley.”

“Yeah, you too there…Teach.” Crowley awkwardly shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels before deciding to glance at the book. “Ngk!” he tried not to vomit as he closed the book. "That. Is. _Unnatural_.”

A paler Anathema entered the room. “Um, Crowley, I’m pretty sure this is it.”

“I know: I thought this class would never end,” he noticed she was clutching her abdomen. “You alright there, Book Girl?”

“I think,” she let out a cry and winced—which in turn elicited a sort of scream from Crowley, “okay I _am_ in labor.”

“No you’re not!”

“I beg to differ.”

“You can’t be in labor!”

“Well I am!”

“Are you sure?” Anathema responded with an agonized moan. “You don’t have to prove it!”

“Crowley, calm down.”

“Don’t tell me to bloody calm down, I’m having a baby!” She shot him an ‘are you serious’ look. “Teach! I’ll go get the instructor!” He ran outside to fetch the teacher. “OY, TEACH!” he called. “Teach, can you…and she drove off.” Back inside he ran. “The instructor left.”

“I heard.” Anathema took some breaths. “Let’s not panic, that’s not good for the baby.”

“Not good for me either.”

“We’ll just get to the hospital.”

“Should I call an ambulance?”

“You drove here!”

“And you expect me to drive you to the hospital too?”

“Could you?”

Crowley paced back and forth for a moment before unleashing a, “NGK! Fine! I’ll drive you to the damn hospital. Can you just…”

“Just?”

“…just hold it in until we get there.”

“You really don’t know how childbirth works do you?”

“You saw that movie, you tell me!” Anathema cried out in pain again. “Right, hospital,” Crowley ran to the Bentley and started for the hospital.

Anathema sighed. “I expected this. Granted I expected it from Newt, but I did expect this.”

She heard tires squeal outside and Crowley was running back in again. “I’m back.”

“I noticed.”

“Figured it’d be kinda hard to have the baby without you there.” This was enough to garner a little chuckle from Anathema. “You okay? You feeling calm?”

“I think so.”

“Good. You think you can do the driving then?” There was that look again. “Right, yeah, sorry. A crisis really isn’t the time for rational thought.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let’s give credit where credit is due: While the scene at the Lamaze is mostly borrowed from 'The Jeffersons', the “obscene phone call line” was actually from 'Mama’s Family'. Snuck some Matthew Morrison references in there just to pick on him. There was also a blink and you’ll miss it reference to 'The Simpsons' from Shadwell. 'Lord of the Flies' for reading material as I'm sure most of us had in junior high. Plus at the end, Crowley references another line Aziraphale said in chapter one. I also tried to sprinkle in a few things from the show (like Anathema asking “could you?”, "Dick Turpin", Crowley shouting "OY" to get someone's attention only for it to be too late, or the “daft old fool”).


	4. You Must Be Joking

“You want to get on the freeway,” Anathema was giving directions from the passenger seat.

“On the M-25?!” Crowley questioned. “Woman, you must be joking!”

“It’s the fastest way to the hospital.”

“Nah-uh,” he drove on, “we’re taking the scenic route. I’m not going to be trapped in a Hellscape of my own creation in another emergency. Buckle up, Book Girl,” Crowley slammed his foot on the accelerator and the car seemed to go beyond maximum speed. When Anathema cried out in agony, the demon did the same. “Why are you doing that? Don’t do that!”

“It’s the contractions; they’re getting closer.”

“Then move them back!”

“It doesn’t work that way.” She blew out some breaths.

“There’s gotta be something you can do to make them stop.”

“I can have the baby in your car.”

“I’d rather you didn’t. And if it’s not too much trouble, try not to sneeze either.” She didn’t reply. “Anathema?”

“I’m gonna be sick.”

“Nuh-uh,” Crowley used his powers to summon a small trash receptacle for Anathema to regurgitate in—which lucky for him, she managed to do in time. “Aziraphale will know what to do! Call Aziraphale.” No response. “CALL. AZIRAPHALE.”

“The phones aren’t working, remember.”

“Dammit!” Of course that would come back to bite him in the ass. “I’m too far from the service site to fix it.”

“Can’t you tell your car to call your home phone?”

“That was what I forgot on my to-do list!”

“What?”

“Hook up the house phone! Need to remember that for later.”

“What about now? How are we going to get in touch with anyone in Tadfield?”

“I may know a way. I think I can remember what to do, but it’ll require me using my powers.”

“I’m okay with that.”

“The problem is there needs to be some kind of communication device on the other end. I’d suggest the computer, but Aziraphale doesn’t really know how to use it. And if Disaster Boy is anywhere near a computer, things won't end well.”

“What about Shadwell? Does he know how to use a computer?”

“Doubt it. Any sort of technology that old codger has I guarantee isn’t from this century. Like that weird thing he brought to the cottage earlier.”

“That thing he was looking at when I came downstairs?”

“Yeah, what’s that stupid name Angel called it?” Crowley remembered something. “Hold on a tick.” He thought it through. “If I do this right, I can get a message through my car radio to Shadwell’s thing.”

“You think you can do it?”

“What have we got to lose?”

…

“Bye guys,” Adam saw his friends off before going back into the cottage with Dog.

“Ye still here, Laddie?” Shadwell inquired.

“I’m not sure if I want to go home yet. Plus, I feel I should thank Mr. Aziraphale in person for letting me use the cottage and giving us sweets.”

Shadwell shrugged. “Suit yerself.”

“Mr. Shadwell, what did you mean when you said we’re learning things that won’t help us in the future?”

“I men wha I said. Public schools dinna teach ya things ya need to know later in life. Everythin’ ya nee’ ta know comes from experience.” He noticed Adam taking in what he was saying. “Lad, I’m prob’ly not the best person ta get advice from. I dinna even finish school. Ye should finish; be good fer ye in the future when ye get a ‘real job’.”

“Maybe you could teach me things I’ll need to know that I won’t learn in school.”

The older man considered this. “I s’pose. Ever had to pop a shoulder back in place?”

“Um…no?”

“Oh, that’s gonna be real handy ta learn. See, wha ye do---”

“ _SHADWELL_!” this voice didn’t belong to Adam.

“I dinna know ye could do ventriloquism, Lad.”

“I think that was Mr. Crowley,” Adam told him. “Mr. Crowley, it’s Adam.”

“ _Am I even doing this right?”_

“I think it’s coming from your walkie-talkie.” Adam leaned toward the device. “Mr. Crowley, it’s Adam.”

“ _For somebody’s sake can I get some sort of response?!_ ” He did from Dog, but that didn’t do much good.

Shadwell reached for the device and pushed down a button on the side. “Mista Crowley?”

“ _SHADWELL_!” the demon’s excitement had the former witchfinder holding the transceiver away from his ear. “ _For once, I’m actually glad you responded_.”

That was what it took to figure for Crowley to receive a message, you had to hold the button to talk. “How’re ye doin’ this? Is it witchcraft?”

“ _Demonic powers_.”

“Ah,” he said that as if it was one of the most mundane things in the world.

“ _Who else is there with you_?”

“Jus’ me and the lad.” Dog acknowledged his presence, “and the mutt.”

 _“I need you to find Aziraphale. What_?”

“I dinna say---”

“ _No, that last part was to Anathema_.”

“Who?”

“ _All this time and he still hasn’t learned your name_.”

“I know the lad’s name,” Shadwell looked at the boy beside him. “Wha’s yer name, lad?”

“ _That part was also to Anathema. The witch_.”

“Ah.”

 _“Okay finding Aziraphale is not as big a priority as finding Newt, but there is a good chance Newt went with him and Tracy on their cheap shopping trip. Though in all honesty, Aziraphale would probably be best equipped to deal with the situation._ ”

“Wha situation?”

“ _Hold on…what’d you say…your water? How did you get a drink in my car?”_ another pause on Crowley’s end _. “What do you mean 'not a drink'?”_ Shadwell and Adam exchanged confused glances before Crowley let out some sort of scream _. “SATAN IN HELL, WHAT IS THAT ON MY FLOORBOARD_?”

“Mista Crowley?”

“B _ook Girl just leaked bodily fluid all over my car_!”

“Yoo-hoo!” Tracy indicated her (and Aziraphale’s) entrance. “We’re back.”

_“Cross your legs if you have to, just keep it in!”_

“Ooh, it’s been a while since I heard that one,” this was once again said like it was a regular occurrence.

Aziraphale looked around the room. “Crowley?”

“He’s in there,” Adam pointed to the walkie-talkie.

“Whatever is he doing in there,” Aziraphale took the communicator from Shadwell. “Crowley?”

“ _AZIRAPHALE_!” Aziraphale held the transceiver from his ear. “ _Oh, thank God it’s you_.”

“Is this another one of your tricks? However did you manage to get into the walkie-talkie?”

“ _I’m not in the walkie-talkie; I’m in the Bentley. I had to find a way to get in touch with you…er, Newt. I mostly need Newt_.”

“Newt?”

“ _Yeah, Disaster Boy. Can you put him on_?”

“Um…well…no. I’m afraid he’s not here.”

“ _Where is he_?”

“He’s…not here. Not at the moment anyway, but I’m certain---”

“ _You don’t know where he is, do you_?”

Aziraphale sighed in defeat. “No.”

“ _He can’t come to the walkie-talkie now, he’s in the bathroom_.”

“But I just said---”

“ _That part was to Anathema_ ,” Crowley was trying to whisper, “ _I can’t really tell her her boyfriend’s nowhere to be found, can I_?”

“He never calls her by her name; this must be serious.” Aziraphale noted to the room before pushing the button to talk to the demon in the Bentley. “Crowley, what’s going on?”

“ _Anathema’s in labor. And this baby really wants out because it’s making her leak gross, body fluid all over my car_.”

“Does that mean her waters have gone?”

“ _Some water broke, or something, I don’t know, prob’ly_.”

“Once the waters have gone, that’s the ‘real deal’ as you would say. We may still have time. How far apart are her contractions?”

_"How should I know?"_

“You haven’t timed them?!”

“ _You know all this stuff_?!”

“As an angel, it is my duty to familiarize myself with any and all miracles. The miracle of birth is no exception.”

“ _Yeah, well, the so-called-miracle of birth is disgusting and I’d rather it not happen in my Bentley. She can keep it in by keeping her legs crossed, right_? _Is this it_?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“ _Sorry, that was to Book Girl. I just made it to the hospital now and…what’s that now_ …”

“He must be talking with Anathema again.”

“ _Angel_.”

“Yes, Darling?”

“ _Get. Newton. Here. Now_.”

“Something’s gone wrong, hasn’t it?”

“ _Yes, something’s gone wrong: Anathema just told me someone has to stay in the room with her while she gives birth_!”

Aziraphale blew out a relieved sigh. “Phew! For a moment there I thought it was something serious.”

“ _This_ IS _serious!_ _I don’t want to see this! Find Newt and get him to the hospital. He’ll know which one. Miracle yourself here if you have to.”_ Crowley gave a dramatic whine. “ _I have to go wait with Anathema now. Pray for me…or don’t, what with the whole demon thing; just get me out of this_.” The other end went dead.

Aziraphale set the walkie-talkie on the coffee table. “I suppose you’ve heard all that?” Tracy, Shadwell, Adam, and even Dog nodded. “Yes, right…” the angel cleared his throat. “First thing’s first: we must find Newton and tell him what’s going on. He wasn't at Jasmine Cottage, so we need to consider other places he may have gone off to without the use of a car. After that, we must get him to the hospital in a jiffy—I’m probably going to have to do that via miracle.”

"Could you miracle us there too?" Tracy asked. "I'd very much like to be there for them, but we don't have a car either."

"Yes, I'll bring you all with me."

Adam raised his hand. “Does that mean I can come too?”

“Adam! Dear Boy, I didn't notice you there. Shouldn’t you be at home?”

“I’ve been here since before Anathema and Crowley left; I really want to know what's going to happen. Can I come with you?”

“Oh, very well, you may come.”

“WOOF!”

“Yes, Dog, you may come too.” Aziraphale miracled a service animal vest onto the canine. “Wait a moment: before Anathema and Crowley left?”

“He took her to her antenatal class so he didn’t have to stay here with us,” Adam explained. “After they left, Pepper, Wensley, and Brian came over and we studied. They all had to go home not even ten minutes ago, but I stayed behind and that’s when Mr. Crowley got in touch on Mr. Shadwell’s phone thing.”

“He got Anathema to the hospital that quickly?” Tracy questioned.

“I believe Crowley is the reason the term ‘speed demon’ exists,” Aziraphale noted. “I would not recommend riding with him unless you are in an absolute hurry.”

“Which I believe we are in now if we’re going to find Newt.”

“Right-ho! We must find Newton…somehow.”

“It would take a _miracle_ to find him,” Adam wasn’t all that subtle when he directed that to the angel.

Thankfully, Aziraphale had caught on to the subtext. “Lucky for us, miracles are my specialty.” He closed his eyes, focused, and the other three watched as he disappeared.

A confused Shadwell looked around the room. “So wha? Should we jus wait here?”


	5. Recall What You Said About Being Calm

Having learned that day how much the feeling of pure, utter, unholy disgust went into the “miracle” of childbirth—although this did give him some new ideas to work with in terms of inflicting pain—Crowley learned that the feeling of guilt played a factor. And not just on his part. While he felt guilty having to watch Anathema writhe around in agony trying to fight back tears and suppress screams to keep her bravado (and for the pain she would have to endure during the _actual_ delivery), he had to listen to Anathema express her own guilt. She expressed regret on not telling anyone about her pains beforehand, on the situation in which she would be bringing the child into the world, what she had said to Newt and why he wasn’t here, and for eating that doughnut.

And if Newt missed this, that would certainly add a whole nother level of guilt.

“Talk!” Anathema brought his focus back to reality.

“What?”

“I need something to distract me from the pain. Talk!”

“What the Hell am I s’posed to talk about at a time like this?”

“I don’t care! Anything! Just talk!”

“Uh…so…um…baby.”

“Yeah, and?”

“You’re having one.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.”

“Well then you pick a bloody topic!” She cried out in pain, and Crowley mimicked it. “Ah, stop doing that!?” She blew out some breaths. “So it’s over now, are you done?”

“Do you see a baby here?”

“No need for sass.”

“Sorry, I just---”

“No, _I’m_ sorry. You have every right to be like this and I’m just in a mood. I’m not really sure what to do here.”

“Crowley, can I ask you a favor?”

“Haven’t I done enough?” Another moan of pain made Crowley reconsider—it probably wasn’t best to argue with Anathema now anyway. “Okay, what can I do?”

“Can you rub my back? It hurts so much.”

“Uh…yeah. I s’pose I can do that,” he did so. “Does this help?”

“A little.”

"Can you do a favor for me when this is all over?"

"What?"

"Don't go 'round tellin' people I apologized."

“Deal," there was a bout of quiet for a moment before Anathema spoke up. "Crowley: I know this is gonna sound weird, but can you sing for me?”

“Excuse you?”

“When Newt does this, he sings me a song. It could help distract me.”

“Disaster Boy sings?”

“He’s not…well he’s not _terrible_.”

“Don’t tell me he sings those cliché love songs?”

“No, he knows I think that’s stupid. He sings me my song.”

“You have a song?”

“He calls it ‘my song’ because it reminds him of me.”

“Does it now? What’s it called?”

“I'm not really sure.”

“Then how can I sing it, Book Girl?”

There was a brief silence for a moment before Anathema began to hum the song. As Crowley massaged her back, he could hear her faintly singing,

_“In the cool of the evening when everything is gettin’ kinda groovy  
I call you up and ask you if you’d like to go with me and see a movie”_

Crowley knew this song! Halloween was the perfect occasion for demonic music, and this song always crept up around that time. Almost subconsciously, he was soon joining in.

**_“First you say no, you got some plans for the night  
And then you stop and say…alright  
Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you”_ **

“That’s the only part I remember,” Anathema admitted. She heard Crowley sigh. “What?”

"I remember more," he took a breath before starting the song again,

**“You always keep me guessin’, I never seem to know what you are thinkin’  
And if a fella looks at you, it’s for sure your little eye will be a-winkin’  
I get confused ‘cause I don’t know where I stand  
And then you smile…and hold my hand**

They finished the next part in harmony.

**_“Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you”_ **

“Thank you, Crowley,” Anathema sincerely thanked the demon. “This really helped.”

Unsure of what to say, he simply stated, “Yeah”, and then the quiet came again…

…at least until the two of them sang the next part.

**_“Spooky!”_ **

…

The sudden appearance of Aziraphale didn’t startle Newt like it usually would. “This…” Aziraphale looked around, “…this is Jasmine Cottage.”

“Hi Aziraphale,” Newt greeted. He was sitting at the table working on a model airplane.

“Newton! There you are! You’ve had us all worried.”

“Bit of a switch, right?”

“What are you doing here?”

Newt blinked in confusion. “I live here.”

“Yes, yes, I know that. When Tracy and I came over here on our way back to my cottage, you weren’t here.”

“I just came back after a walk. I had to clear my head and was afraid if I drove, I’d get into an accident.”

“Are you feeling better?”

Newt nodded. “I’ve accepted the fact that I am terrified of impending fatherhood, but that it’s okay, it’s normal. I’ve only made it worse for myself and everyone else by worrying about everything that could go wrong and or all the bad things. But in the end, the pros outweigh the cons. Model planes help too,” he held up his latest project. “I’ve always liked making them.”

“I truly didn’t know that.”

“I’ve decided I’m going to be calmer now, especially around Anathema. She really doesn’t need all this stress.”

“Anathema!” Aziraphale remembered why he miracled himself here in the first place. “Newton---”

“Oh, I wanted to thank you by the way.”

This caught Aziraphale off guard. “For what?”

“For trying to help and everything you said—particularly when I fretted about getting the baby a gift. You’ve also given me a brilliant idea.”

“I have?”

“I figured I’d use this time to get this plane started; have it at least assembled before the baby comes. Then once the baby’s born, I was gonna paint their name on the sides of the plane and hang it over the crib as a mobile. Don’t tell Anathema though: I want it to be a surprise.”

“Why Newton, that will make an absolutely lovely surprise, and Anathema…oh my Heavens, Anathema!”

Newt shot out of his seat, clearly trying not to worry. “Anathema? Is she alright? What’s happened?”

Aziraphale noticed his grip was tightening on the model, so he unclenched from Newt’s grasp so that it wouldn’t break. “Recall what you said about being calm? I need you to not get yourself overexcited?”

“I’m not overexcited; I’m getting quite calmly worried.”

“Yes, right, well I miracled myself to where you were so that I could tell you that Anathema is in labor and that you know which hospital I am to get you to.”

“Labor, you say?” A nervous chuckle emitted from Newt. “Seems I won’t be finishing that plane after all.”

“Newton?”

“Is she at the hospital now?”

“Yes, Crowley is with her.”

"Oh," Newt wasn't sure how to process that (or really anything at the moment). "I mean, at least she's at the hospital and she's not alone."

“And that is a good thing.”

“I suppose it is. The woman I love is miles away about to give birth to my child and the only person with her is a demon.”

“ _Former_ demon, Dear Boy.”

“And I’m not panicking.”

“Well…”

“Not. Panicking.”

“Right, how about we not panic at the hospital?” Newt bobbed his head back and forth before starting to fall backwards. “Newton!” with a quick snap of his fingers, Aziraphale miracled the closest chair to ensure that it caught Newt before he fell. “I need you to tell me where to go, we may not have much time left.”

“What if we get there and Anathema doesn’t want me there?”

“I doubt she feels that way. Besides, the _need_ for you to be there will overpower her want if that was the case.”

“Maybe Mr. Crowley should stay with her. He’s used to seeing scary things, he won’t pass out.”

“And neither will you! Take a moment to calm yourself…” Newt inhaled a deep breath before slowly exhaling. “Better?” this time Newt’s nod was slow. “Now, where are we going?”

…

“I’m going to kill Newt!” Anathema vowed as she clutched her abdomen. “He did this to me!”

“That’s just the pain talking,” Crowley assured himself from his distance.

“I want the epidural!”

“How do I get it for you?” This was the moment when the nurse came in to check Anathema’s progress. “Hi, yeah, she’s in pain.”

“I never would have guessed,” the nurse sardonically replied as she looked over various monitors.

“Can you get rid of said pain? Give her the EpiPen or whatever?”

“It’s too late for the epidural.”

“What?!” Anathema wasn’t all that happy to hear that.

“Why?” Crowley frantically inquired.

“Because she’s nearly fully dilated,” the nurse explained. “I’ll ring for the doctor and we’ll get prepped for delivery.”

“What? No! There's no reason for that! Just give her something to stop the pain!”

“The only way to get rid of the pain is to get the baby out.”

“Can we hold it for another…twenty minutes?” in the background, Anathema unearthed an anguished moan. “Fifteen at the least? Newt should be here by then, can’t we wait?”

“It doesn’t sound like that baby’s going to wait.”

“Ten minutes, final offer.” The nurse gave him a disapproving look before going to get the doctor.

“I don’t think Newt's gonna make it!” Anathema cried.

“We’ll be lucky if I do!”

“Oh God.”

“What?”

“I want to push.”

“No, you don’t!” He ran to her side. “Whatever you do, don’t do that. For the love of all that is unholy, don’t do _that_!” Anathema was trying to resist the urge to do so. “Do the breathing stuff! The inhaling, exhaling shit,” he did a quick demonstration. “Come on, inhale…” they did that simultaneously, “…exhale,” then they followed with that. “Do it again,” this method was repeated a few more times. “This shit actually works?”

The nurse then returned with a couple of orderlies. “Everything’s ready in four and the doctor is waiting. We’re going to move you to the delivery room now, Anathema.”

That was Crowley's cue to head for the door. “Goodbye everybody!”

“You can’t go!” Anathema’s call stopped the (former) demon in his tracks. “Someone needs to be with me and I want you to stay. You’ve come this far after all.”

Crowley gave a conceding sigh. “Fine; but the second your boyfriend bursts in through the door, I burst out.”

“Fair enough.” Anathema let the orderlies situate her on the stretcher and start to lead her down the hall to the delivery room.

As he lagged behind, Crowley looked skyward. “If you could send me my angel, I could use a miracle right about now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One thing I remember about Book Newton was that he liked electronics and model planes. I wanted to work the planes in there somehow, and the idea came kind of last minute.
> 
> I don’t own the song “Spooky” by the way…and I’m honestly not sure who’s version I picked because I listened to various versions trying to make sure I got the lyrics right.


	6. Mind Where You Go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone notice the chapter titles? How the odd numbered ones are things that Aziraphale says and the even numbered ones things that Crowley says?

“Ah, yes, here we are,” Aziraphale announced after miracling him and Newt to the hospital.

Newt looked around hoping to see Anathema. “You couldn’t miracle us into the room with her?”

“And just appear in front of others as if out of nowhere? Of course not, Dear Boy, that would be rude. I do believe we are on the correct floor though. If we can find someone to ask…” as fate would have it, a nurse was making their way down the hall. “They’ll do! Yes, hello!” he went to get their attention. “If it isn’t too much trouble, could you help us find a Miss Anathema Device or her companion?”

“Follow me,” they beckoned for Aziraphale and Newt to go with them to the nurses’ station.

“Everything appears to be on computers, Newton; you may want to retain some distance.” Newt backed away as the nurse did their search via computer.

“It says she was admitted to labor room eight when she arrived. Only I just came from room nine and the room across from it is empty.”

“Empty?” Newt ran up to the desk. “It says she’s in room eight, but room eight is empty? It can’t be empty! Why is it empty?”

“I’m guessing she moved from the labor room to a delivery room.”

“A delivery room!?”

Aziraphale placed his hands on Newt’s shoulders. “Calm yourself, Newton; the last thing we need is for you to end up a patient here too.” He helped guide Newton to take some breaths before turning back to the nurse. “Which way to the delivery rooms?”

“Down the hall and to the right,” they answered back.

“Thank you, you’ve been most helpful. Come along, Newton.”

“You can’t get back there without clearance!” the warning seemed to go unheard as the angel led the former witchfinder down the hall and to the right.

“Did they say something just now?” Newton questioned.

“If so, I didn’t hear it,” Aziraphale replied as he opened the delivery room admittance doors with a snap of his fingers. They continued to make their way down hoping to find someone to help.

“…just hurry and get it to four,” someone was around while instructing another staff member. Thankfully, they noticed Aziraphale and Newt before making an official collision. “Gentlemen, this is a restricted area, you cannot be here.”

“My girlfriend’s having a baby,” Newt was trying not to lose it. “Anathema Device, she was in room eight.”

“Do you know what delivery room she’s in?”

“Ah…that may have been helpful to know.”

“Perhaps you’ve seen her?” Aziraphale inquired. “Young Latina woman, long black hair, most likely came in here with a redheaded male in sunglasses.”

“Oh, them? Just down there, room four.”

“Room four?” Newt recalled something. “That’s where you said for someone to hurry!” He himself hurried in that direction with Aziraphale keeping up as best he could. His speed seemed to increase as he saw an orderly exit the fourth door with a figure blanketed on a stretcher. “Anathema! Anathema, I’m here and I’m---”

With a weary moan, the figure on the stretcher nearly threw back their blankets. “—not Anathema, Disaster Boy.”

“Crowley?” Aziraphale was just as confused. “Darling, what on Earth is going on?”

“Why in Satan’s name would you even put a mirror on the ceiling to begin with?”

“I’m afraid I don’t---”

“Mr. Crowley fainted in the delivery room,” the orderly informed them. “We couldn’t find a wheelchair, so we were going to wheel him to the waiting room on the stretcher.”

Newt pointed to the room. “Is Anathema Device still in there?”

“Wait, are you Newt?”

“Newt! Yes! Newton Pulsifer, I’m her father. Well, not her father, but I really don’t have time to be correcting myself.”

“Newton? Newt is a person! This suddenly makes more sense. She’s in there calling for ‘Newt’.”

“Not half as loud as I was,” the demon groused.

“She’s about to start pushing. If we’re gonna get you in there, we gotta get you scrubbed up and _now_.”

“Here,” Crowley ripped off his scrubs and threw it at Newt, “he can have mine.” The redhead nearly jumped off the stretcher and wrapped his arm around Aziraphale’s shoulder. “Mind where you go, Newt. Come on, Angel: let’s you and I get the Hell out of here.” He led his partner to the exit. “You think this place has a bar or alcohol dispensary of some sort?”

“I very much doubt so,” Aziraphale admonished. “It’s also unwise to consume alcohol after fainting.”

“I never claimed to be a wise man. ‘Sides, I need to drink to forget.”

“Was it really so ghastly?”

“Yes! Yes, it was. Though one good thing came out of it.”

“Anathema having the baby?”

“No. No, the good thing is I’ve learned so many Spanish curse words.”

“Crowley, you were in Spain during the Spanish Inquisition.”

“Was I?” He pondered that. “Ah, well, easy to forget; I’ve done a little of this and that through every major era in history. Could’ve also drank through the Inquisition. Just really want some wine right now, I think I deserve it.”

“I suppose you do; being there with Anathema in her time of need…despite the fainting.”

“Can we never mention that part?”

“At least Newton arrived on time to witness the birth.

“Thank God. I mean, he won’t last in there either.”

“You underestimate the boy.”

“I’m a demon: I’ve perfected some of the worst tortures and seen some of the most unholy imagery you will ever see, but even _I_ couldn’t last in a delivery room.”

“ _Former_ demon,” when the two made it to the waiting room, they were surprised to find a small group of people and a dog awaiting them. “Oh my Heavens, in all the excitement I had forgotten to miracle you over!”

“That’s alright,” Tracy assured him. “I had figured that was the case. However, the oddest thing happened when I went back to my flat to get out my motor scooter and drive it to the hospital. I start it up, it rises into the air and Mr. Shadwell and I are traveling at the speed of light.”

“Witchcraft,” Shadwell deduced.

Aziraphale gave a nervous chuckle and tugged on his collar. So that was something he forgot to do after the Armageddon-That-Wasn’t. “Yes, well, how about that.”

Crowley nodded toward Adam. “Wha’ ‘bout you? How’d you get here so fast?”

Adam shrugged. “I just got on my bike, turned a corner, and then I’m here.”

“Right, former Antichrist.”

“Never mind all that,” Tracy veered off topics. “Has Anathema had the baby?”

“Not yet, but it should be arriving soon,” Aziraphale informed them before turning to Crowley. “Wouldn’t you agree, Crowley Dear?”

“It better be,” this was Crowley’s way of agreeing. “I mean: It’s not like the baby’s got that far to travel.”

“So it’ll be born today?” Adam asked for confirmation.

“That’s the idea, yes.” Adam made some sort of noise to the demon’s response and took out his phone. “Oy, whaddya think you’re doin’.”

“I think I’m going to make a video,” he started to record. “Hello, I’m Adam Young; I’m a friend of your mum and dad. Today is Friday, March 13th 2020 and you are about to be born.” He held his phone away and started to film the waiting room. “All these grownups, they’re friends of your mum and dad too. We’re all here because we can’t wait to meet you.” He closed in on Shadwell and Tracy. “This is Madame Tracy and her husband, Mr. Shadwell.”

“Witchfinder Sergeant Shadwell,” Shadwell corrected.

“Former,” Tracy addended.

“I’ll have ya know tha’ we wouldna be here if I hadna sent Private Pulsifer off to find the witch. He goes off and lays wi’ the witch and here we are now.”

“That is Mr. Shadwell’s way of saying that your parents met when he sent your father off to Tadfield and your mother just happened to be in Tadfield. Mr. Shadwell is also under the impression that your mother is a witch.”

“Ye best hope ya only have two nipples by the way.”

“Really, Mr. S!” Tracy rolled her eyes and continued on. “Your father has told me on more than one occasion that he can’t wait to introduce you to Disney films. When you watch one called _Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs_ , you’ll find the one called Grumpy is a lot like Mr. Shadwell. A cranky old thing, who secretly means well—especially in regards to those he cares about. Isn’t that right, Darling?” Shadwell grumbled some incoherent mutters. “Anyway: I do hope you’ll consider us like an honorary aunt or uncle.”

“Oor like grandparents.” He looked at his wife. “Ya couldna ask for a more lovin’ nana than this woman righ’ here.”

Tracy swooned. “Oh, Mr. Shadwell.” She snuggled in close to him.

In response, Mr. Shadwell kissed the top of his wife’s head. “I love ya, Jezebel.”

“And I love you Douglas,” she reciprocated this with a kiss on the lips.

An astonished Crowley leaned toward Aziraphale. “ _Douglas_?”

“I’m just as surprised as you are,” Aziraphale confessed.

“Oh,” Shadwell turned to the camera after his smooch, “come ta me ta learn useful things. I can show ya how ta properly pop a shoulder back in place.”

His wife nodded in agreement. “It really is quite a useful skill.”

“I still need ta teach ya, Lad.”

“Maybe later,” Adam didn’t exactly say "no" as he panned the camera to the other couple. “And over here are two very special…people?”

“Entities?” Aziraphale offered.

“Beings?” Crowley suggested.

“I don’t know if I can explain it here, but Mr. Aziraphale and Mr. Crowley were an angel and a demon. Now they’re here on earth and your mum chose them to be your godfathers.”

“But I’m your favorite Godfather.”

This made Aziraphale giggle. “Crowley, don’t be such a silly.”

“Aziraphale, please say something from this century.”

This made Adam chuckle a bit before continuing on. “They may not live close by—Mr. Aziraphale has a wicked awesome bookshop in Soho—but they’ll always be there for you when you need them. Plus they’ll usually come together because they’re always together.”

“Have been for 6000 years, will be for 6000 more.”

Aziraphale looked at Crowley and asked, “Do you mean that?”

“‘Course I do, Angel.”

“Well, we may have known and worked with each other for 6000 years, but we’ve only been _together_ for a little over a year.”

“I don’t see it that way. Granted we made our relationship _official_ not that long ago, but I’ve been with you and loved you for 6000 years. Nothing’s gonna change that.”

“Wait,” Adam began to interject, “I thought you guys were married.”

“They ain’t married?” even Shadwell was surprised.

“What does it matter?” Crowley questioned back. “We’re not even technically human!”

“But you have been trying to be more like humans,” Tracy reminded.

“I agree with Crowley!” Aziraphale spoke up. “We are in our relationship for the ‘long haul’ as they say, but we are still our own…whatever we are. We don’t need any legally binding contract or license to indicate otherwise.”

“If we did, we could easily forge one,” Crowley noted.

“If one wants to say Crowley and I are married, then let them. I will not dispute them because I do consider him to be like a husband and I love him,” the pair made eye contact with each other, “I love you very much, Crowley.”

Crowley diverted his attention to Adam. “Adam, tell me you got that on camera!”

Aziraphale was flabbergasted. “After all that, _that’s_ what you have to say?”

Crowley, meanwhile, had a smug look about him. “You don’t get it.”

“Apparently not.”

“Aziraphale, that’s the first time you’ve ever said you loved me out loud.”

“What? No! Surely I’ve…” Aziraphale trailed off in thought, and then gasped, “…good lord, you’re right.”

“Been together all this time and we’ve never once told each other we loved one another.”

“No, I suppose we haven’t. Though I have signed my notes with ‘love’.”

“And I always jest ‘but you love me’.”

“But I never answer back that I do.”

“And I never really considered the meaning behind the ‘love’ in the written word.”

“It seems it’s long overdue, but I do love you, Crowley.”

Crowley responded by taking Aziraphale’s hand in his and kissing it. “And I love you, Angel.”

A loud sniffling broke the moment. “Is someone crying?” Adam turned the camera toward the Shadwells. There, a misty-eyed Mr. Shadwell sat with his hands crossed against his chest trying to look as though he hadn’t been crying. “Mr. Shadwell?”

“‘Tis me allergies,” the old man grumbled. His wife swooned at him and cuddled up close. “Ach,” he tried to free herself from her embrace, “off wi’ ya, Harlot.”

“I do feel a lot of love in this room,” Aziraphale expressed his sentiment. “If only the whole world could feel the way that we do in this moment.”

“Then demons’d be out of a job,” Crowley remarked.

Adam turned the camera to the forgotten member of the party. “How about you, Dog? Do you have anything to say to the baby?” Without so much as a bark, Dog made his way over to the double doors, wagging his tail in excitement.

“Wha’s gotten inta the mutt?” Shadwell questioned.

“Dunno.” Adam followed his canine companion (while keeping the camera on). “Whatcha doin’?” He noticed something on the other side of the double doors. “I think someone’s coming.”

And that someone was Newt. No sooner had he stepped into the waiting area was he bombarded with five people and a dog requesting answers. “It’s nice to see all of you too,” Newt managed to speak up.

“Well?” Tracy prompted.

“Anathema and I are the proud parents of a little girl; six pounds, eight ounces. Mother and daughter in perfect health.” His entourage burst into cheers.

“How marvelous.” (Tracy)

“Congratulations Private Pulsifer.” (Shadwell)

“This is absolutely wonderful; a true miracle.” (Aziraphale)

“Does she have a name?” (Crowley)

“Wicked cool!” (Adam)

“Woof!” (Dog)

“Thank you all,” Newt thanked. “And after some deliberation, we’ve decided we’re going to call her Agnes. Seems only fair, Agnes Nutter being the reason we met and all.”

“Did you faint?” Crowley followed up.

“Surprisingly no, Mr. Crowley; I didn’t even throw up.”

“Damn.”

“They’ve actually taken Agnes to the nursery if you want to see her. After that, Anathema should be ready for visitors if you want to go and see her too.” He opened the doors as an invitation for them to follow. Most of the group had done so with a former demon lagging behind.

“Crowley?” Aziraphale had stayed behind for him.

“She’ll just be behind the window, right?” Crowley questioned. “The baby, I mean. I won’t have to touch her or anything?”

“Are you really that uncomfortable with babies?”

“To be fair: babies never liked me either.” He noticed the look Aziraphale was giving him and sighed. “I’m going to have to get used to this one eventually, aren’t I?”

“There is a bright side to this. For one thing, the baby won’t be staying with us. We will be going back to the city after all.”

“But what if I start to like this baby? Then what?”

“Well, then we’ll make visits to Tadfield more often. Or Malibu if they choose to travel to be near Anathema’s family.”

“I do like the beach.”

“Or Surrey if they opt to be close to Newton’s mother.”

“Can give or take that place.”

“We don’t have to be there for all the stuff one doesn’t like. Not that it will last long, babies do grow up.”

“And eventually become kids.”

“Yes.”

“I’m great with kids.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“I mean I do like Anathema. I s’pose I like Newt too. I’m sure this means I’ll really like Agnes.”

“I’m sure you will.”

“But uh, you’ll be with me, won’t you? In case everything goes pear-shaped with the baby; you’ll be there for me?”

“Aren’t I always?”

Crowley caught up to Aziraphale and put his hand in his. “What would I do without you, Angel?” they shared a smooch.

“Come on, Crowley: let’s go meet our Goddaughter.” Hand in hand they made their way down the hall.

“Seeing as our little Agnes is part witch, you think a black cat would make a nice gift?”

“I suppose…though it’s probably not wise to give it to her today.”

“It is her birthday.”

“It’s also Friday the thirteenth.”

“Is it?” Crowley considered this. “Huh, so it is.” He looked at Aziraphale. “Don’t tell me you’re _that_ superstitious?”

“One can never be too careful.”

“I s’pose.”

“Why do you sound as if you’re trying to hide something?”

“You know me too well, Angel.”

“What did you do?”

“You remember earlier in the kitchen? When I tried to reach for a dessert and you struck my hand?”

“Yes.”

“Well when I recoiled, I may have knocked over the salt with my elbow.”

“You didn’t!”

“I cleaned it up! Even threw it over my shoulder when you were distracted by Shadwell’s thing.”

“I suppose spilling the salt isn’t that big of a deal.”

“I mean I did shut down mobile service for Tadfield after all, so maybe that counts as creating bad luck for everyone. Though my own personal bad luck may have started after I dropped the little mirror onto the bathroom floor this morning.”

“YOU WHAT!?”

“Ah, that’s what I forgot to tell you. You need a new little mirror.”

“You broke a mirror on today of all days!?”

“On accident!”

A flummoxed Aziraphale didn’t know what to say, so he took a deep breath. “Given everything else that happened, I am willing to overlook this.”

“Because you love me?”

“Because I love you.”

“I love you too, Angel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Peace out!


End file.
